“A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.”
― Charles Bukowski
When we were young, they used to tell us stories about Cinderella and her Prince Charming, all ending in happily ever after. They would explain how magic would happen if you just believed and had the courage to keep trying. They say magic happens all the time, and that miracles can happen to anyone.
While that might be true for some, it is the complete opposite for others. What happens when that fairy tale doesn’t turn out to be like the one in Cinderella? What if you met your Prince Charming in the wrong timing? What if you were never meant to have a Prince Charming to begin with? What is the stuff they tell us as kids is just bullshit to make us believe that there really is a happily ever after?
When you’re in your mid-twenties, and you have had some heartaches of your own, they start feeding you with adult bullshit and saying that everything happens for a reason. They say the pain goes away with time and heals itself. This is bullshit. The pain does not go away. We simply get used to it and learn to numb it. Some do it with alcohol, some with binge eating, while others take more dangerous measures. Take note that I am not pro-hurt. I do not enjoy feeling this way and destroying myself every chance I get. This is not something I chose to feel. It is something that simply happened and still resides.
People used to tell me that I am ridiculous and the fact that I still feel this way is insane. So I stopped telling them. Instead, I shut myself out and buried the pain so deep inside I forgot it was there for a while. But nothing ever stays where you put it, and it’s no different with pain. It only sinks for some time and floats back up because like everything else, it cannot take being smothered in the dark for too long. It needs air and room to breathe, so it floats back up and stays there.
You let it stay there for a while, acting unbothered while it eats you up inside. You play it cool and continue to lie to others, as well as yourself. You say it’s work, the weather, or even the movie you were just sobbing over. You use every Goddamn excuse there is in the book. And then you use up all the lies, excuses and bullshit answers. Finally, you come to terms with the real issue and face it like a bull faces its opponent in the ring. But, the opponent is bigger, stronger and more real. So you sit there, hoping it will just go away. But it doesn’t. It never does and it never will.
I am so sick of people telling me that I have not found the right person, that I am too young to settle and that I should wait it out. I am tired of hearing stories how I deserve real happiness with someone who treats me like a queen and takes care of me like a princess. I don’t want to be treated like a queen, or a princess. I don’t want someone to take care of me and act like I’m a fragile piece of glass. I am tough, dammit and I don’t need anyone to assist me in fighting my battles. I don’t want someone to agree with me when I’m wrong, or to sooth me when things don’t go my way. I want him to tell me what a bitch I am for acting the way I am and scream with me when things go wrong.
I don’t want a happily ever after like in Cinderella. I don’t want my perfect Prince Charming because there is no such thing. Please, keep that bullshit away from me. I just wanted him, the imperfect, selfish asshole that he was. I wanted him for his blood shot honesty, his clever and heartless comeback, his stupid jokes and his endless laughter. I wanted something raw and real. I wanted something that took me by the horns and threw me off the track. I wanted someone who wasn’t afraid to stand up to me when I was wrong, someone who had a firm opinion on everything I had to say, someone who actually listened to me when I was silent. I wanted someone who knew why I was mad and would make jokes to make me forgive him. I forgave him every single time. He knew my strengths and he knew my weaknesses. Often he used my weaknesses against me, but so what?
What is love but driving each other crazy? If you don’t drive each other crazy, if you keep things from one another, if you allow other people to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong, then that’s not love. Most people today settle for peace. They settle for someone who can give them what they need and they are happy. They refuse to settle for excitement and mystery. Instead, they go for someone that makes them feel safe and wanted. I would literally rather smother myself than end up bored. I refuse to settle for anything less than extraordinary.
Not all love stories are boy meets girl, black and white. Some involve many other people, mixed emotions and sleepless nights. They don’t always end with happy faces and rings on fingers. Sometimes they end with someone leaving with tears in their eyes and their heart so heavy they can hardly carry it. Not all love stories are for everyone. Some people fall in love once and carry the pain forever. But so what? I am not half a person because I feel pain. I would go through it day in and day out, again and again. No matter how hard it gets, I will never regret it. How can you regret something that made you the happiest person in the world, anyway?